An open letter to parents of school aged children from a martial arts instructor.

Good day, parent.

It is definitely a busy time of year. Making sure the kids have everything they need to begin a new academic school year. I’ve added 3 more “R’s” to the usual “Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic” that may have been left off the list of needed supplies this year:

Responsibility

I see parents on a daily basis hinder their children by assuming they are not responsible. Waving their metaphoric ‘bail money’ with forgotten homework as if it were a white flag to stop the firing squad (as if there were an actual firing squad). Or in my case their child’s left behind karate belt midway through a lesson… or equipment needed to participate in class. Or a personal favorite, “it’s my fault ________” and fill in the blank with whatever missing piece makes sense. A common one is, it’s my fault he doesn’t have a clean uniform and showed up with basketball shorts and a tank top on.

No, dear parent, it is not your fault you didn’t get the laundry done. It’s your fault for not taking the time to teach and insist they do their part in the process. It’s time for them to start learning to take responsibility for the clothes they get the privilege to wear. If they are too young to start a load of laundry (which laundry machines today are far simpler to use than an iPad or tablet) they still can have the responsibility of making sure their uniform gets in the laundry hamper to be washed. If they can operate a tablet they can start learning how to prepare their clothes for the next day and setting things up the night before. Make this their responsibility. Every new school year is the perfect time to raise the bar of expectations and responsibilities. And if they lose their belt, equipment or part of their uniform, make them earn the money to replace it.

Respect

Self respect and respect for others is becoming a forgotten practice. Parents, please lead by example. Do not speak badly about your boss or spouse in front of your children. Do not speak ill of their teacher or coaches in front of them, either. As soon as they get the feeling you’ve lost respect for people in authority roles or partnership roles, they will do the same. You just showed them it’s okay. Modeling healthy behavior towards your partner will be their blueprint for a healthy relationship in their future.

Please do not take away their self-respect by letting them quit before they’ve completed what they set out to do, for the length of time they said they would do it. It may be hard. They may not like it. But they will always like themselves more if they finish and accomplish what they started. That is what it is really about.

This includes speaking for your children. Coach them on what to say to a teacher that seems unfair. Help them build self respect by handling their own problems. Teach them they have a voice that deserves being heard and that they can do it, even if it may seem scary. They need to speak up and voice their thoughts, respectfully, but on their own. They are never too young to learn this. Make it safe for them to always be comfortable sharing their problems with you, but never rob them of the opportunity to figure out the best steps to finding a solution.

Lastly, play by the rules. Don’t negotiate with their teacher’s and coaches for exceptions. Show up on time. And of course, please be kind, courteous and polite and instill this in your kiddos.

Review/Reflection.

Communicate and talk about what happens. Every attempt will not be victorious every time. Disappointment is okay and they will survive. Making things better with toys and treats is not the way to deal with setbacks. Keep rewards as rewards and not as pacifiers for hard feelings. Make healthy outlets the pacifiers, and your hand to walk beside so they know they are never alone. Be understanding of their frustrations and upsets. Choose healthy outlets to deal with the discomfort. Go for a walk and talk about it. Getting outside is a great way to help get out of our heads. And a healthy habit to associate with thinking things through and for accepting/understanding the outcome. Help them make a plan for a different outcome. Don't help them change the outcome by arguing with the coach, teacher or director. Be honest about their effort and review the ways improvements can be made. Reach a solution and agree to support the plan. Remind them of their plan when they pushback or prefer to play video games instead of study or go to practice. Reward them when they succeed by praising their perseverance and improvements with your recognition and pride.

These 3 R’s will take them through life. Responsibility, Respect/Self Respect and the ability to Self Reflect/Review will always be classics and never go out of style—even if they are becoming less popular.

For the love of our future and the future of our loves, I give you my very sincere thank you.

Cat Bank